Fear of Commitment
Most people who know me well would be surprised to discover that I have a fear of commitment.
Whether it has been commitments to finishing my bachelor's degree, working on my master's degree, sticking to my fitness routine, finding and attending a church, or most of all, being married for over a decade, I tend to stick with the things that I decide to do.
That is precisely why commitment is hard. Because I know once I commit to something, I'm in for the long haul.
I hate leaving projects or pursuits unfinished. And because of that, I'm hesitant about embarking on new ones. It can be mentally exhausting to speculate the effort it will take to complete it. Similarly, as I felt inclined to attend a church, I hesitated even once I'd chosen one to go to because once I start something I'm rarely only half way committed to it.
In high school, I served on our version of the student union committee. I hated every minute of it and swore I'd never do anything like it again. Fast forward to fifteen years later and I was the chairman of the corporate outreach committee where I work. I didn't learn my lesson at all! My tenure as committee leader was highly productive and I got to meet many wonderful people at the charities we supported, but I asked myself all of the time how I ended up doing that at all.
I think the key here is that I have a fear, but I face it. Even when I face it with uncertainty or sometimes even humorous regret, I'm still facing it. And my hope is that someday I will embrace new commitments without any fear or reservation.
Until then, I'll continue to feel relieved when plans get canceled!