Even at My Worst

The last eight months have been by far the most challenging of my life. Divorce is so much more than just being sad. It is the dismantling of a life. It is the resignation of some dreams. It is a costly, bureaucratic nightmare. It seems that every event in life that brings the most sadness also brings the most paperwork.

I am a resilient person but the months have taken their toll on me. My energy has been low and my attention span has suffered badly. There was about a six-week period in Q1 where I existed primarily on caffeine all day and melatonin at night. 

But I still showed up. Every single day.

I maintained my training schedule in the gym. I took only my scheduled rests, and sometimes I trained with dread and low energy, but I showed up. I maintained a decent level of nutrition. If anything, I took better care of myself, not worse, knowing how badly my body and my mind needed the consistency.

I worked. Sometimes not as efficiently as I normally do, but I did not miss a single day just because I didn't feel like I could do it. I slogged through some days. I had to remind myself to smile sometimes. But I showed up, every day.

I gave everything my best. No excuses. Because I don't just keep my commitments on sunny days. I showed up in every storm to train, to perform, and to be the best woman I can be.

Struggle always creates growth, but not if we hide from it. Not if we drown the struggle in our vices. Not if we indulge in hedonistic behaviors to escape the difficulty. We grow when we push through. We grow when we show up.

It isn't showing yet on the outside, but from the inside, I can already see myself coming out of this a much stronger, better person than I was before. In a way, I can almost hardly remember who I was before I found out how strong I can be. I've learned so much about myself and life in these eight months. I have refined some of my dreams, I have realized the ways I need to change in order to build the future I want to have. I have raised my expectations, and not just for myself, but for everyone else. I see what I am bringing to the table, and I expect others to match it.

I have always said, in a smug and defiant tone, that I am stronger and more committed and more capable at my worst than most people are at their best. My experience has perhaps taken the smugness off of that statement, I have been humbled by this experience, but it has also proven that the statement is true. I smile as I use the word formidable, knowing that my mom will nod and agree - but if I am this formidable at my worst, then I am so excited to see what I can be at my best going forward.